Last Wednesday I received my new Golden Retriever puppy, who is to be trained as my service dog. Her name is Brianna. I have two sons, Brian and Steven; and when Steven was little he named his female Golden Retriever "Stephanie", so I felt I would be remiss if Brian didn't have a Golden "named for him" (kind of!) Okay, it is a little silly, but I also like the name.
She is beautiful, and probably has the sweetest nature in a dog I've ever seen. She is currently training with Shadows for Life, about an hour from my home. She should be ready to come home in about 4 weeks, but the training will still continue. Michael, our trainer, says this is a process that will continue over the next few years. Of course, she will be able to travel with me in just a month or two, but polishing her skills (and adding new ones as needed) will take time.
I have been having trouble with severe muscle spasms lately. There have even been a couple of times that my limbs and fingers would get pulled into weird contortions and I would be "locked" into that position - unable to move or summon help. One of these times, I had to be taken to the hospital, so I could receive Dilaudid for the pain (the nurse told me it was better than morphine, and a few seconds later I discovered it was true! Good stuff!) and also some Zanaflex for the spasms. I have to admit these times of intense muscle spasms and temporary paralysis are scary, and that is one of my main objectives for getting a service dog, at least she will be able to get help for me.
Maintaining my independence is my number one priority. Of course, every MS patient is going to say that; but I have always been extremely independent, taken care of others, and I HATE asking for help. Just ask my major professor who, for the past two years, has been urging (almost commanding) me to get undergraduates to help me finish my research (I refuse). Just ask the nurses when I'm in the hospital who literally have to lock me in my bed and put the alarm on so they'll know if I try to get out by myself! Since I'm considered a serious potential "fall risk" I'm always on strict orders to not do anything by myself, to ring for the nurse. I HATE that, and I usually won't do it. You would think my nurses would like my independence - makes their job easier! But they only complain about how stubborn I am and my need to do everything for myself.
While I am always touched by the gesture of a stranger or a friend to help (and I almost always graciously accept), it does something to me deep inside. Just last week a man at Church told me that just maybe God was using me and my disease so others would have the opportunity to serve. "It's kind of like you're an angel on Earth, allowing others the opportunity to earn blessings." It's a nice thought, very nice, and it actually does help to think of my MS that way - that maybe some good can come from this; but still.... I miss my independence.
When I have to ask for help, I feel a tiny piece of my dignity fade away. Perhaps it's not really my dignity, but my pride. Maybe I'm too proud. I know this not only affects my self-esteem but my relationships with important people in my life. A dear friend of mine came up with an idea to try to help me a few months ago. As touched as I was by his gesture, it was very difficult to agree to his idea. I almost didn't. I feared that I would lose some of my dignity, as the idea was to ask for financial help from others to help pay for treatments and devices that would help me maintain my independence (e.g. walking). I didn't want to feel like a beggar. He assured me that I wouldn't be the one who was "begging", my friends would. How could I turn down such a generous gesture? Against, my own feelings of pride, I accepted this offer of service.
Of course, with any project of this magnitude there are difficulties and stumbling blocks, elements that are out of my control (there's that need for autonomy I'm so famous for); but more importantly it seems that my primary fear is coming true. I see this idea morphing into exactly what I didn't want - an increased dependence on others and a decrease in my pride and dignity as my role/s in this endeavor are beginning to change. I'm afraid I'm now becoming the beggar. I'm torn. Is this a test? Am I supposed to break free from the sin of pride and allow him/us to benefit from the blessings of service? Or am I supposed to stand up for myself and try to maintain what dignity and independence I still have? And what effect (if any) will my decision have on our friendship? This is a very old and dear friend, and I would rather suffer my own hurt feelings than hurt his - hmmmmm, maybe I just answered my own question! :-)
But on a lighter note - I have Brianna as a new facet of my life. As a "service dog" she will indeed be providing many services and will help me maintain my independence even longer. She will also be a constant companion. She will rely on me for her survival, probably even more than I will rely on her. That will actually provide me more dignity. And she's a dog! Pure, free, unconditional love - it's a wonderful thing.
I will try to keep up on my posts more regularly now as we embark on this journey of the training of a service dog, actually it's both of us who will be being trained. I wonder which of us will learn the most?! :-)
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